The concept of “guarding my heart” has always been a little lost on me. I never really understood where the line was or what that really meant—and so I didn’t. I decided that the best way to be loved by someone else was to open up the deepest parts of my heart to him. This decision was followed by a string of awful high-school relationships and then a bad college relationship. Somewhere along the line, I decided to shut everyone out. I decided I was going to finally guard my heart, and for me, that meant building walls to keep everyone around me out. I was broken, desperate, and searched for anything that would offer temporary fulfillment. When it was all over, I finally, really, and truly met my Jesus.
Except, I only let myself meet a Savior who forgave my sins and offered endless streams of mercy and grace. I didn’t let Him really love the deepest parts of me. I was broken and hurt, and had no idea how to let someone in, especially a God who wanted to know the innermost parts of my heart. It was too dangerous, too risky. I mean, how could I fully trust what I couldn’t see?
Everyone around me just seemed to “get it.” They all LOVED their Jesus, and I started to think I was broken, because I couldn’t feel what I thought I needed to. I spent countless hours in my closet crying out to God, because I wanted the more. I wanted to know what I was missing. I wanted to fall in love with Jesus. But I just couldn’t seem to.
Then, in the most unexpected way, I came face to face with all of my baggage. I finally heard God say, “Just crack the door, my daughter.” I took it step by step. I needed to move the dresser I had shoved in front of the door, unlock it, turn the knob, and then slowly but surely open the door to my heart that I had closed so long ago. And His perfect, still, overwhelming love came rushing in. His love that whispers, “You are enough. You are beautiful. You are worthy,” flooded my life in the most intimate way, and I was changed forever.
While I was trying to guard every piece of myself, I was being violently loved by my God, who never ceases His pursuit of my heart. While I was building walls and blocking everyone out, He was there, gently knocking. When I finally cracked the door, His love came rushing in, and nothing in me could deny that He was good and trustworthy.
Sweet reader, you only have to crack the door. His perfect love casts out all fear. My prayer for you today is that you have the courage to crack the door, and that you will really know that His banner over you is beautiful, pure, and perfect love.